News from the front

First missive of the football season from Tubby, who’s successfully piloted our team to a bottom of the league 0 and 2 start.

Ahoy, Charlie

You’ll be happy to know that I’m in the final stages of preparing my staff for the season ahead, which begins any week now, once we’re done with this nightmare blizzard of injuries I should hope. I’ve got our old friend Igor as director of personal, Madam Twist from the square has agreed to be our special teams coach, and I’ve got a feeling that we’re going to be able to bring on the severed head of General Stonewall Jackson to be our defensive coach. That leaves me to handle the offense, and as long as it’s not stocked with has-beens and cripples, we should be in fine shape.

In our case, having a practice draft in August has really worked out in our favor, allowing us to test Igor’s theories regarding drafting white wide receivers, running backs with no serviceable offensive lines, and quarterbacks with a knack of snapping load bearing parts of their anatomies. These schemes of his, while seductive in their own way, have, as I suspected, turned out to be the worst kind of gibberish. Honestly, if Igor was more consistent we could make do fine by betting against every move he makes, but he’s right just often enough to throw off every attempt to compensate for his ineptitude.

But, like I’ve said a hundred times before, that’s why we do preseason.

Looking forward to October draft.

– Tubby